Democratic Debate: Swimsuit Edition!

[The other week I mused that the Democratic Debates are so ridiculous, they might as well have a Swimsuit Competition portion.  So today I decided to run with that idea.]

Diane: First up is the front-runner, Bernie Sanders.  I'm predicting common trunks like those of the proletariat.
Tom: Oh my, Bernie is wearing a Speedo!  A bold choice, like his bold new vision for America.
Diane: They certainly have a snug fit. [squinting] Yes, he definitely IS Jewish.
Tom: You have to admire the support given to his droopy old-man sack.  His balls squeezed in there seem to cry out "Not me: Us!"

...

Diane: Next up is Pete Buttigieg, wearing a VERY revealing thong!
Tom: Mayor Pete is packing that banana hammock!
Diane: He is swaggering on the runway with that Big Dick "I won Iowa" Energy.
Tom: Huh, he seems to be having a wardrobe malfunction.
Diane: Wait! What is that?
Tom: Diane, what appears to be a cucumber wrapped in tin-foil is falling out of Pete's swimwear.
Diane: This kind of scandal can't help his campaign.
Tom: Yes, like his victory in Iowa, Pete Buttigieg's genitalia is fraudulent.

...

Diane: Now coming onto the walkway is former Vice President, Joe Biden.
Tom: It looks like he's wearing a full body swimsuit.
Diane: Like the aerodynamic ones Olympic swimmers wear?
Tom: No, Diane.  This appears to be an old-timey "bathing costume", last popularized by Charlie Chaplin in the 1920s.
Diane: Someone needs to tell Joe that his swimwear, and his campaign needs to get with the "Modern Times".
Tom: [off-microphone] ("At least we didn't have to see his sagging old man tits")

...

Diane: And here comes Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar!
Tom: She's wearing a purple one piece.  Not a very inspiring choice.
Diane: This certainly says something about her lack of vision.
Tom:  The crowd is clearly not impressed.  They wanted something a little more dynamic.
Diane: Who dressed her?  Who thought this was a good idea?
Tom: Diane, we can only pray for her campaign staff and advisors when Amy gets backstage and physically extracts her retribution for this folly.

...

Diane: Up next is former New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg.
Tom: Diane, stop me if I'm wrong, but his walk seems a little frisky.
Diane: Oooh, is he also wearing an old-timey bathing costume?
Tom: Yes he is Diane.  But unlike Joe Biden, Mayor Bloomberg isn't trying to hide sagging old man breasts.  Rumor has it that Mike is covering up the vestigial demon growing out of his chest; that of course being part of the package deal along with selling his human soul to the Dark Lord for his first billion dollars.
Diane: Now that you mention it Tom, a lump on his chest does seem to be squirming.
Tom: And if you listen closely, you just might hear a mutant voice rasping something like "Quaid, start the reactor."
Diane: People will surely get that reference.

...

Tom: Oh, Diane, we are getting word from backstage that Amy Klobuchar has run out of staplers to throw at her staff and now has moved on to the weightier three-hole puncher.
Diane: One can only imagine the carnage.

...

Tom:  Lastly, here is Senator Elizabeth Warren.
Diane:  She's wearing what can only be considered to be the "granny panties" version of a two-piece.
Tom:  Unlike every other candidate tonight who either went barefoot, or wore some sort of beach sandal, Warren is wearing a pair of flip-flops.
Diane:  No further analogy can be derived from that choice of footwear, surely.
Tom:  Wait!  Is something falling out of Elizabeth Warren's granny panties?
Diane:  Is she packing something like Pete Buttigieg?
Tom:  Yes, but it's not a cucumber.  Oh this is hard to watch, but it appears a bottle of hot sauce is falling out.
Diane: Wow.
Tom:  I'm having a hard time comprehending what I'm seeing right now.  Yes, it is a bottle of hot sauce.
Diane: I'm being told this was on the advice of Warren's senior campaign advisors, who were previously on Hillary Clinton's staff, that this stunt was to appeal to black voters.
Tom:  But didn't Clinton have the hot sauce in her purse?
Diane:  Yes, this seems to be a tragic case of mixed signals coming from the advisors.

...

Tom:  The latest update from backstage is that there are medics on scene in Senator Klobuchar's office.  If anyone in the audience has blood type AB positive, you are urgently needed for an emergency transfusion.
Diane:  Finally, we have Tom Steyer.
Tom: Who cares?
Diane: Good point, Tom.   Thank you and good night America!